We are in Autumn at present and I have been noticing myself going into this autumnal withdrawing feminine energy more and more lately.
Recently several thoughts came to the forefront of my awareness that kept me pondering about life and life cycles.
First of all one of the symbolic traits of Autumn are falling leaves and the multi colour show that Nature gives us as a result of that.
Shedding dead leaves
I know that ‘shedding my leaves’ is a very good thing to do especially in this season, but it comes to a price like everything in life: it is a liberating process and it can be painful too.
Let’s say that I am feeling more the pain right now rather than the liberating feeling and don’t feel totally ready to let everything go and be joyful about it.
Sometimes we think we let go of some painful facts of our life, but in reality that is only a thought, it hasn’t really happened in our emotional body, therefore we drag this pain with us and in how we show up and in what we do in life.
This month I have accomplished my 51st year of life and so have totally entered my fifth decade of existence. Last year when I had my 50th birthday I felt happy and exhilarated but now this year I am not so sure about this any more and am having second thoughts about having left behind my 40’s!
Leaving behind my 40’s
All of a sudden my 40’s seem so important to me and they start looking so far away from my present and I simply feel lost!
It seems to me that I didn’t make the most of them and have ‘missed my train’ so to speak and feel inconsolable …
My body is changing physically more and more and gives me constant nudges about the passing of time and it feels as time is accelerating like crazy lately.
Why is this happening?
I haven’t given it permission, therefore it shouldn’t happen, I hear my inner voice saying …
I need to savour my time more and of course the seasons, nature, the sun, the rain, the sea, in a nutshell I need to enjoy everything more!
More than anger against time, I feel compassion towards myself as the truth is that there isn’t much I can do about it, except doing more of what I like and spend less time with things that are less important and not that enjoyable.
Easier said/thought than done though, “how do you do that?” I hear my inner voice screaming back at me.
The truth is that more than ever before in my life I know nothing for certain any longer, including simple daily things; this is what life is for me at present and the more I can accept it, the better I will feel.
I am definitely not established in my 50’s yet, just the opposite, I don’t even think it has registered with me that I am in my 50’s, forget about feeling happy and established in them.
If I look at my pictures of when I was 40 and onwards I looked so much younger than now, I actually think that I looked like a baby, not a woman, just a baby. How come that I didn’t notice it back then?
I have to confess, I feel really stupid indeed.
This is a ‘falling leaf’ for me for sure, but how can I let it change colour and let it go?
Trees seem to do this so easily every year, why can’t I do that at least once in ten years’ time?
I lost my dentist
I remember now what triggered all this thought process in me this week: it was hearing that my dentist is not available any more as he has retired.
When I called the surgery I felt speechless on the phone and didn’t know what to say when the secretary was asking me if I wanted to book an appointment with his son or his daughter-in-law instead, I was simply thinking “I want to see him, not his son or his daughter-in-law!!” but no words were coming out of my mouth and could hear the secretary asking me again “Would you like to book an appointment with his son?”.
As it seemed the easiest thing to do I eventually answered yes and hung up as soon as I possibly could.
Then it was hell for me, a myriad of thoughts came charging with a vengeance in my mind because meeting my dentist coincided with my move to UK back in 1998 and therefore realise how long I have already lived in this country and so on and so forth, my goodness, how is it possible?
Retirement and menopause
Getting the statement of my pension fund also gave me another nudge on this front as I realised that I am getting closer and closer to my official retirement age and I can’t stop it coming towards me.
Something else is also happening at the moment that is a reminder of the time passing: I am expecting my ‘inner winter’ to show up as I am already on my 30th day today and am not sure if it will be just a delay or maybe my ‘best friend’ (menstruation) will never show up ever again in my life!
Back in July I also discovered in quite a sudden and unexpected way that my mother has got breast cancer which brought up her mortality even more to the forefront of my consciousness and shook me from my roots.
Needless to say that more than ever before I am feeling really mortal this Autumn and would like to say that I am allowing all my golden leaves to fly away in the autumnal wind, but it is not the case for me just as yet …
I am grieving big time!
I have learnt over and over again from my ‘inner Autumn’ that the best thing to do in my pre-menstrual phase is to nurture myself and not even try to be super woman as it would be pointless and it won’t work, it simply won’t!
What am I doing then?
Well, more than ever before I am sitting with the thought and feeling that life is unpredictable, is passing fast, I don’t know what to do about it and haven’t got a clue about my next step/phase of my life.
After a couple of turbulent Summer months I have gone back to my daily meditation and am appreciating again the value of meditating, even if it might be easily considered as a waste of time.
It is not and it might be as useful as having a nice autumnal stroll in the woods just to appreciate the natural show, even if we witness it year in year out.
There is something very grounding and soothing in just living the natural cycles of the seasons or of our life without wanting to judge them, evaluate them to death, wanting to stop them, anticipate or prolong them.
Life is what it is and ultimately nobody really knows its ultimate meaning, likewise my female cycle is what it is and, even if I consider it my ‘best friend’ I have to allow it to come and go as it likes and can’t but accept its lessons without interfering with its higher wisdom.
Healing and accepting
This Autumn it’s my intention to find ways to soothe myself in all ways possible to heal whatever I still have to heal in my life: this is the right time to do it and let my colourful leaves go and die in the ground to fertilise the soil.
Nothing gets wasted in nature, everything is recycled and so will my wonderful body do too one day, whenever that day will be.
In the meantime I enjoy Autumn and my ‘inner Autumn’ with all their gifts and challenging aspects.
If you enjoyed reading my thoughts and you might have similar experiences happening to you, I would love to read from you as sisterhood is one of those things that is very helpful to soothe our feminine spirit, especially in this season.
To find more information about my work with women and the female cycle and my women circles please check my website Flying Inspiration.
Thanks for reading!