Every year I experience a little death during the festive season of December.
Either I am at home in UK or anywhere else in the world, I tend to feel similar feelings and have similar thoughts.
I would personally rather avoid them, if I could choose, but it seems that either the weather, the general vibe or the power of my past experiences seem to have the better on me and I plunge in this powerless state that I find difficult to deal with.
A little death
I have now experienced it for enough years to recognise it, but I still struggle to name it, what is it?
Yes, I have asked myself this question so many times, well possibly every December and then it goes like the festivities.
This year though I thought to write about it so that next year at least I will have a reference because I can read my thoughts …
The first name that comes to me is a little death, it feels like a real death is approaching and nothing can bring any solace to myself, because there is no remedy against death. The only thing that one can do is actually surrender to it and welcome it.
Reason is for sure powerless in this respect, I have used it many times with myself by listing the numerous reasons why I should be happy, but it doesn’t seem to work, just the opposite. I suppose reason wouldn’t help at my death moment either so, why should it help me now?
My old friend
This year I have decided not to reason with myself and instead to welcome the feeling with open arms.
Resistance is quite big, I have to admit, because I definitely don’t like feeling powerless, I have a strong will which seems to have the upper hand most of the times, but with this feeling my will is not particularly successful unfortunately.
So I looked into it and, after recognising it as an old friend that shows up every year, I thought to do just that: accepting it as an old friend as I accept that Christmas comes round every year.
The darkness is definitely related with it because my spirit tends to be dark too, let’s say less bubbly than normal.
At this time of the year the sunlight tends to fade around four o’clock in the afternoon, therefore there are lots of hours that are not bright and inspiring. Just being positive is not enough and the only way to survive the depressing feeling is to embrace whatever comes up with the lack of light.
Well, for someone who calls oneself Flying Inspiration is not very conducive or representative of oneself, isn’t it?
I definitely don’t feel flying high this time of the year or feel particularly grounded, therefore I can only look at myself as I am and give myself a big hug as I would do with someone who would come to me with similar remarks about oneself.
My shadow is the main character of my show at this point in time, it’s a fact!
If I would hug somebody feeling this way and would find some comforting words, why can’t I do that with myself?
Having compassion with oneself or anybody else is always something good to have and do, therefore Flying Inspiration should find some compassion and use it with herself.
Yes, this is a super opportunity to do just that, instead of letting my inner critic tearing me to pieces and myself helping it with this, it’s hilarious, isn’t it?
Realising that this process is cyclical and welcoming it, rather than resisting it, are two good things to do, then looking at what surrounds me is possibly the next best thing.
Nature is asleep right now, so why can’t I be the same?
In fact I feel particularly tired and, as much as I can indulge in sleeping, it feels it is never enough.
I can understand quite easily why I resist this bit.
In our day and age resting is considered as wrong as having a break, it just seems that everyone is on the go all the time, otherwise one is seen as inefficient and inadequate.
Maybe it’s time for me to be okay with resting and feeling inefficient because recharging is on the go!
We all know that any machine needs down time and have to be restarted now and then, actually my computer needs that every day. So why don’t I consider myself at least like a machine?
I definitely don’t consider myself as a machine, but if I can be understanding with machines, why can’t I be understanding with myself too?
Now, I surely feel inadequate, as I should be more considerate about myself and see my down time as necessary to be marvelous again tomorrow.
A saving grace
I looked out of the window and saw some snow flakes coming down and my heart jumped in my rib cage: how marvellous!
I love snow and it brings me joy whenever I see it, I can’t help it.
Having felt all of the above just few minutes earlier, I rejoiced so much at seeing the snow and feeling that wonderful and restful sense of peace that comes with it.
It seems that this year I was saved again from my ravine of depression, will I be next year too?
Well, I definitely cannot know what will happen next year, but I have now documented my thought process so I can always go back to it and hope it will help me in the future.
This little death of mine is so similar to the feeling that comes to me every month before my ‘inner winter’ starts; some months is stronger than others but its essence is the same and it fools me every single month!?
I should know better after over thirty years of being a menstruating woman, shouldn’t I?
Still though it seems that Nature is stronger and more clever than I and I get trapped and fooled every month …
So then, why not being fooled once a year by my old friend ‘December’ or ‘End of the Year Depression’?
Maybe these states come up for us to remind us how vulnerable we are and how much dedication and self-love we need to feel whole humans.
If you enjoyed reading my thoughts and you might have similar experiences happening to you, I would love to read from you as sisterhood is one of those things that is very helpful to soothe our feminine spirit, especially in this ‘festive season’.
To find more information about my work with women and the female cycle and my women circles please check my website Flying Inspiration.
Thanks for reading and happy new year!