Uncertainty is my certainty

The ground is moving under my feet and I feel as if I am still on a boat, even if I know that I am standing on firm ground.

I feel spaced out and tired because of the recent travelling and, even if I can’t say it is because of the jet leg, Italy is only an hour ahead of UK, I am feeling not completely with it and am longing for my bed.

I went to Turin recently to celebrate my mother’s 90th birthday and went afterwards for a short break to Venice, as my partner has never been there and I promised him many times that one day I would take him to see ‘La Serenissima’.

:

The joy of travelling

Coming back from any destination is never easy for me, I always feel a sense of loss and disorientation both in my body and my mind, all sorts of emotions are stirred up and I feel a mess.

It doesn’t matter what I go back to, either I am in a well appointed position in my life or I am in transition, the feeling of uncertainty and reshuffling keeps coming up and I struggle to cope with it.

In this particular instance I am really floating physically and emotionally and on top of everything else I have this very disconcerning sensation of rocking continuously as one feels when one is on board of a ship.

Yes, in Venice one has to take a ‘vaporetto’ here and there as there are canals everywhere and to walk all the time can be extremely tiring by going up and down the countless bridges, so to reach quickly a particular destination taking a boat, locally called ‘vaporetto’, makes life much easier and gives one the opportunity to see the city from a different perspective.

I am not normally sea sick, I quite enjoy being on a boat and feeling the rocking motion; I love the lulling of the water, I find it irresistible, so when I am in Venice, I gorge on it and take boats whenever possible.

I was hoping that once back on the ground at home this feeling would go away, but I have been back for over four days now and am still floating, even if I am sitting on a chair and writing this blog.

What is going on?

In the last few years my body has been changing and so has my mind as I entered in my perimenopausal years; my life has become a bit like a rocking boat. In my new rocking existence I can’t feel firmly planted on the ground any more, everything is fluid and changing all the time.

I wrote about this subject in previous blogs and am doing it again because it is not easy to express the whole complexity of this time of a woman’s life, furthermore not many women go public about it, as menopause like menstruation is still a taboo for so many.

For me it is a big adventure and am taking it in my stride without wanting it to go away and pretending I am still in my youth.

Even if it feels strange to write this and be open about it, I think somebody has to do it as the more women speak about it the better it is for all of us. Isolation has kept women in check to the advantage of men for so many centuries, millenia rather, but things are slowly changing and recently not so slowly either!

As I was saying at the beginning when I come back from any travel I always feel disconcerned, I have my head in the clouds and find it difficult to readjust to my normal life.

This time is no different especially feeling unsettled with the rocking motion of my body so focusing is definitely tough for me. This time though I decided to accept my uncertainty feeling and in fact to explore it with curiosity.

The joys of the present moment

There are many factors that are bringing more uncertainty in my life at present: my iron level is very low in my blood and causes a constant feeling of fatigue and being spaced out, any decision is a super difficult endeavor, the lack of energy has killed my super chronic enthusiasm and I am not sure any longer where I am going …

Last month my partner has sold his property and has moved in with me temporarily, so my routine and my personal space have endured a reduction/squeeze and I am still adjusting to that, too. We both have to review our life and our goals including where we want to live which is not necessarily something that can be resolved quickly and easily …

 

So much like Venice?

Venice is actually a good metaphor for my life as it offers so many parallels: it was born out of uncertainty in a time of huge change (the local population fled to the lagoon to escape the Huns invasion led by Attila), the location wasn’t the best but the people made it become within time a wonderful masterpiece, this city state had since the beginning a pretty democratic government that kept the city independence for a thousand years, until Napoleon came along and wiped it all out to satisfy his lust for power.

Venice is sinking but still marvels millions of visitors every year and has got something for everybody. I can relate to all those aspects and can find bits of them in my own life; especially in the last few years I have been feeling sinking and dying slowly slowly, as if a new me wanted to emerge.

Instead of feeling ashamed of the way I feel at present I want to accept it and make it work for me, as we all know that what we resist persists, so I want to embrace it and take advantage of this particular situation I am finding myself in: let’s rock and roll!

Transition and uncertainty

I think not many women talk about this transition openly because we live in a society that appriciate youth over maturity, therefore mature women are considered less appealing. A woman who is in transition during her perimenopausal years is not as available as she used to be, hence she is percieved as more demanding and difficult to please compared to when she was younger and inexperienced.

Realising that things are changing for oneself means reviewing one’s own life and re-evalueing what is important for oneself, therefore it can upset the status quo and how things have been done so far. We all hate change and find it difficult to cope with in a big or smaller scale, therefore we tend to hide our uncertainties and keep them to ourselves.

This time of a woman’s life though can be very tough indeed and keeping everything to oneself might not work to save one from falling, just the opposite.

I personally think that in this phase of our life as women we need more than ever the support of other sisters and especially older ones that can help us go through the transition seeing that there is light at the other end of the tunnel.

Isolation

My second big declaration is: besides feeling dying and going into disrepair I also feel super isolated.

This is a difficult thing to say for a women coach who wants to empower women, but it is true and I know that possibly I am not the only one feeling this way, is it true?

We have been kept isolated for millennia, but we don’t need to do that any more, we can come into the open and say it as it is, or as it feels!

Yes, in this time of our life feelings seem to multiply a thousand times, as if they weren’t already enough …

Our perception is amplified and it seems that any protection is not enough to keep the ‘world’ at bay, everything is too much, to put it short.

The fact that we feel that maybe we have to steer the boat in a different direction exposes us to the fact that we don’t know yet which is our new direction and our society doesn’t like that either.

If one doens’t know, doesn’t know, period!

It is no good pretending that we do know, when in fact inside we simply feel sinking to the bottom of the sea out of no reason, does it sound familiar to you?

To change something just for the sake of changing and reassuring ourselves doesn’t solve the problem, just the opposite, when a little later on we might find ourselves worse off having squandered a lot of energy for nothing at a time when we tend to have less energy anyway!

So what next?

I don’t know is the honest answer for me, for the time being I enjoy my rocking, physical and emotional and go back to the wonderful fresh images of ‘La Serenissima’ and I feel majestic like Her sinking slowly slowly in the Venetian lagoon and smiling at millions of visitors coming from all over the world to admire Her.

It’s time to rock and roll sisters and make lots of noise!

If you relate to any of the feelings and thoughts that I have succintly tried to express here, I would like to read from you as sisterhood is the only balm that can soothe our wounds at this time of our precious life.

Don’t be shy and get in contact with me!

Love and hugs from The Flying Witch

4 thoughts on “Uncertainty is my certainty”

  1. Oh my! What an interesting and strangely reassuring read. As a 58 year old changing and re-emerging woman I can (un confidentially) say I feel lots of these things. I often feel the ground is molten below my feet, like marshmallow in a strange unsettling way. I desire change but fear and long for it in equal measure. My journey through menopause continues, learning all the while, my heart remains open to possibilities through adventure and change. I will continue to embrace my ever changing, more vulnerable, but hopeful self. The thirst for lifelong learning persists and with my new found exploration of mindfulness, I will remain on my marshmallow menopausal ground! Still hopeful (often perplexed) and let life continue to unfold before me.

  2. Hello Christina,
    thanks for your comment to my blog and for sharing your experience with other sisters!
    I think it is of the utmost importance that women start talking more about this subject, even if it is very intimate, because I know in my heart that it will benefit other women and all together we can change the current situation for the better.
    It is definitely not easy to talk about this stuff even just for the fact that it is so complicated and so personal too, but still I keep stretching out to other sisters hoping that the future will be brighter for all of us!
    Keep investigating Christina and shine your light, thanks for doing it already.
    Love and hugs from The Flying Witch
    alias Gabriella for mortals …

  3. Wonderful blog Gabriella and yes, embracing the fluidity of change should be celebrated. I’m finding as I’m going through the pre-menopausal years that it’s like becoming a teenager again…the uncertainty is there but there’s a whole adventure ahead if we embrace it.

    Beautifully written piece, thought provoking and moving.

    Thank you for sharing!

    Amanda hart

  4. Thanks Amanda for your comment and sharing your thoughts!
    I would agree completely with you on feeling/being like a teenager again but with experience …
    It is still difficult to face the unknown though and the super emotional stuff that comes up at this stage of our life, but it is like an adventure, or at least I want to face it as such as I am an adventurous soul!
    I am very curious about it all, I have to admit Amanda.
    Love and hugs from The Flying Witch

Leave a Comment