Life recently has put me in a situation where I had the opportunity to really understand and feel how much gap sometimes there can be between me and another person.
Either is with a friend, a family member, a colleague or simply an acquaintance we might even have met virtually on social media, I am sure that it happened to you before of not succeeding in communicating what was important to you and you felt utterly shattered, disappointed, hurt, misunderstood or even worse ignored.
It happened to all of us for whatever reason and what we are left with is a sense of void, anger, pain or whatever else we might have felt in the incidence …
Are misunderstandings avoidable?
I wondered about this many times and asked myself why I didn’t manage the situation better, or explained myself more clearly or used simpler words rather than digging special words out of my huge background knowledge, I like being painstakingly accurate with my words, but possibly the truth is: it would have happened anyway!
Yes, it would have happened anyway, however masterful I might have been because sometimes the reasons of a misunderstanding lie much deeper than we think and at times we have that chance to see/feel the rift that divides us.
It is very easy to be caught up in the details of the situation and analyse the ins and outs of it, but if we pay attention to the words that are used by both sides, we might have a hint of what the unconscious mind is telling us about ourselves and where the other person is standing and how he/she is feeling.
If the situation we are in it’s a very complicated family situation with a long history, we can be easily lost in words and concepts and waste our breath and energy to no avail.
I have been in such a situation for few months now and the energy has been flooding out of myself in tons and I haven’t reached any conclusion of any sorts, ouch, it is painful!!
I felt like bashing my head against a wall constantly until I had a realisation which brought up some clarity for me: values.
The importance of values
It is a very short word: values, but it determines so much in our life.
Values are what underlies everything, from what we say, the way we look, what we aspire towards and what drives us every day.
These little things called values are not even solid, we can’t touch them, but they move us more than we think, they are our essence and our psychological spine, without them our personality wouldn’t exist, as simple as that and they have very solid effect in our world, even if they are invisible.
So how do our values rule our communication with others?
In any conversation, two different worlds have to come together for the communication to be effective, otherwise what happens is exactly what I was describing at the beginning, we feel frustrated and there is no communication whatsoever.
If these two worlds are not clear within themselves about what they are about, the words used will be random, the concepts will struggle to come into being and the communication will stagnate.
The two worlds can only open up to each other if there is an intention for this, if the undercurrent is actually a fight that has been lingering for too long, this is what will surface and, no matter how the words are chosen and pronounced, they will not have any effect and only the undercurrent will win: the fight.
Sometimes fights are necessary to clear the air and move on, so not necessarily are they negative, especially if they include only words, but ultimately it is all down to our values for what we will prioritize.
So what to do to avoid all these painful situations where it seems there is no joy to be had or solution to any discussion?
My experience showed me that being clear about my values is always a very rewarding thing, because it gets me out of trouble and gives me peace of mind.
One way to find out what these little invisible things are is asking oneself “What is it important to me?”
There are lots of different values that we have concerning different areas of our life, but we can reduce them down to only a few that are really important and rule our life in a major way.
To find them we can simply think of what we have right now in our life, what we have done, these facts show us what we have prioritized so far and what we stand for.
If making a list might render everything more clear, do that, but if you are in the middle of one of those painstaking situations and you want to find a bit of solace, a quick way out of it is to go back to yourself and think of what makes you smile and feel good, and in that you will find your values.
The way out
Bringing back the focus to yourself is always very effective to have peace reinstated in your life and feel more empowered.
Sadly there isn’t much success to be had in changing others, so we can only change ourselves and leave others to themselves!
There is a lot we can do with ourselves though and choosing according to what is important to us is one of the most powerful thing to do.
Next time that you feel disempowered because somebody has put words into your mouth that you never said, take it as an opportunity to think what is vital to you to thrive in your life.
Once you own your values, never compromise with them, because if you do so, nothing good will come your way.
Never be influenced by somebody else’s values because we can’t but live our life, not somebody else’s.
Having clarity of mind about what is important to us is the only source of peace and harmony!
When there is difficult communication or there is none at all, it is because the gap is too big between us and the other person and possibly it is nobody’s fault.
This might not be the conclusion we want to arrive at, but sometimes we have to surrender to what is and content ourselves with what we can do!
Life is an adventure
It is a bit like being ‘cycle aware’ for a woman, what appeals to her in her ‘inner Spring’ is very different to what she feels like doing in her ‘inner Autumn’, because different physical states of her being will bring different values to the surface and she will go for different things at different times of her cycle.
In life we go through different phases where we are naturally attracted to different people with whom we can bring up different parts of ourselves, that is the beauty and fascination of life.
If things don’t go well with somebody and we can’t find the right sort of communication, maybe it is time for a change: a change of scenery, friends, activities, interests.
My motto is ‘Life is an adventure, discover it!
If you enjoyed reading about my experiences, I would love to read from you and find out what yours are; sharing our experiences strengthens our sisterhood and make us feel as one.
To find more information about my work with women, the female cycle and my women circles please check my website Flying Inspiration.
Thanks for reading and I wish you an effective communication!