Childless, am I a failure?

Summer: the symbol of motherhood

Since we are in Summer I thought to talk about a subject that for women can be very sensitive and painful.  Summer corresponds to the ovulatory phase in a woman’s cycle which is when a woman can conceive, therefore I am going to share my insights about being a mother or being childless.  Since an early age I thought that one day I would get married and have children; to be precise I wanted two and adopt a third one. I had already decided the names of those two of mine that would be a boy and a girl.  I thought that I would be a good mum and possibly wouldn’t do all those things that I couldn’t stand and that my mother did.  Of course I would know better and would do a better job and would have the perfect family and … 


Plans, plan, plans

The other idea I had was that I would marry a foreigner and would live abroad, because I wanted my children to learn more than one language effortlessly without having to study them, as I did.  For me it was really hard work and it is so quickly gone, if I don’t practice them constantly.  To facilitate the learning of an extra language, the more the better, we would live in a different country, neither mine or my husband’s, so our children would learn a third language at school and would have a mixture of cultures that would broaden their mind.  I had it all planned and was looking forward to my bright future.  At the time it never crossed my mind that these thoughts of mine might be the result of some conscious or unconscious conditioning from my family upbringing, society, schooling or media.  I just thought that these were my plans.

Life beyond planning

They say that life is what happens when you are making plans and I think that it is utterly true and my life can certainly testify to that.  I managed to travel the world and eventually live abroad, I even got married to a foreigner, a British man, but I certainly didn’t succeed in having children with him or a happy marriage, so I had to face divorce and start again.  Well, I like new beginnings so that wasn’t a challenge for me, but to digest the emotional turmoil that all this caused in me was definitely not easy!  Then years flew by and before I knew it I found myself in the so called ‘middle age’ and my perspectives and plans changed; the idea of having children was not so appealing any more.  I started looking at life a little closer and ask myself questions like “What am I here to do?”, “Is there more to life than this?”, “I want more, but what exactly?” and others, but still along those lines.  Having lived in a different country has broadened my horizons and views about life and happiness. Having had more than one relationship also gave me a chance to stretch myself beyond my little ‘garden’ and look further afield.  Having done different jobs with varied roles and used different languages also added to my knowledge as a woman and as a citizen of the world. It all helped me to realise that we are all conditioned by so many things in life that actually to know who we are is not that easy, in fact it can be quite tricky.

Coming back to myself

Nevertheless I kept asking myself who I am and that helped me to eventually have a ‘eureka’ moment when I realised that my purpose is to educate women about their body and menstrual cycle to make it their best friend.  It didn’t happen overnight though, it was the result of attending a workshop about menstruation and then allowing all the information to sink in and being open to what was there for me to be discovered.  Understanding more about my body and menstruation really helped me to put things into perspective and understand why I was feeling in certain ways at certain times of the month.  I embarked on my journey of self-discovery and menstrual awareness and that has changed me totally.  I started feeling different and empowered, rather than a victim of my body and nature. My life became an adventure that wasn’t simply an external and geographical journey, but a deeper and intimate voyage into myself.  I started understanding that there is more to life than having a family and doing the things that the majority of people do.  It is actually down to me to decide what I want to bring into my life and I can co-create my life with the bigger forces out there for which we all have different names. I call them Nature or the Universe.   The most important thing of all was realising that for a woman having children is optional, but giving birth to herself is a must!


Women’s purpose

As women we need to understand what our vocation is and what is important to us, otherwise we will never feel happy and fulfilled.  Having children must be a wonderful experience, very fulfilling at soul level and all encompassing, but it is paramount to remember that we are born first as women with a purpose, not mothers!  If we don’t fulfill this duty towards ourselves first, being a mother will be a surrogate and a substitute for our self-actualisation and we will realise sooner or later that we are missing something.  I am not saying this lightly at all, because I am well aware that motherhood is one of the most important duty/vocation in a woman’s life, but if we don’t realise that we exist first as women, we won’t be able to transmit our legacy to our children or to the next generation at large.  When I understood this, I felt very different and the question of “I am not a mother, am I failure?” disappeared from my world and I achieved piece of mind.  I now know that by fulfilling my life purpose as a female cycle consultant and by helping women to feel empowered by their female cycle, I can leave my mark for future generations to have a more fulfilling life.  With this I mean that children can have happier mums who are more conscious about themselves, women can feel more empowered either they are mothers or not and men can experience better intimate relationships with women who are not victims any more, but empowered beings who are a joy to live with. This is my vision for the ‘Woman of The XXI Century’.  What is your legacy as a woman, either you are a mother or not?   I would love to read your thoughts about this very important topic and if you want to find out more about my life calling of helping women be empowered, check my website: Flying Inspiration.


0 thoughts on “Childless, am I a failure?”

  1. Dear Gabriella. Your life experience piece on 'Childless, am I a failure' is beautiful, honest and spot on. A dear friend of mine, Sophia Smith (Doula UK) took gentle care to explain to me why I kept on having miscarriages so often. I do have 2 beautiful girls but plenty of not to be events..
    The world is a changing place and as women we are facing enormous opportunities to expand our horizon and learn to truly live. That does require , like you say, birthing ourselves !! My very personal view is that that is exactly what we are supposed to do at the moment. By truly doing that every woman, girl, partner, friend, sister, mother, auntie and so on faces this challenge. It is a beautiful challenge and can be very empowering. By allowing this world transition to take place, we also empower men on all levels. We can then truly start living together. I hope this will be a start of an ongoing dialogue world wide. Thank you for kicking off. x Pascale

  2. Hello Pascale,

    thanks a lot for your comment and for reading my blog!
    I know Sophia Smith, I think, did she use to live in Berkhamsted?
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me, I so appreciate it!
    I agree with you that it is very empowering to give birth to ourselves as women, despite what the world might expect from us …
    Men need empowered women to see what is possible, as they don't know it any more, I think …
    Please connect with me on my website:
    Love and hugs from me


  3. When I was growing up my Mother referred to menstruation as the 'curse'. At the age of 14 I remember the local GP saying 'that your mother can explain….' And explain she did. In such a way as to leave me under the impression that women, like chickens, produced eggs. All very confusing – and negative. One day I remember my dear Mum – and I say that truthfully, however misogynic her parenting was – affirming that men are 'superior'. But my Mum had suffered brain damage some years earlier. So, in fact, she was reflecting unconsciously traditional messages.

    So, so sad. But these messages are not culturally specific. Neither of this religion nor that … is part and parcel of our cultural heritage for many years. As such, culturally induced roles are very difficult to shake off.
    What is important is to discover ourselves and the world on equal terms.
    As a mother I know that my outlook is very different to those who do not have children. With or without children, each one of us brings to the world a perspective that helps to build a better (or worse ….depending what we do with our own resources) future for everyone.


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